Pandra Reflections of Grief

		We Grieve Differently




	This page is in loving memory of my unforgettable father, Pastor Boykin Hunter (48), my adorable sister and best friend, Jacquelyn Hunter-Kendrick (39), my dear brother, and Pastor Michael Dean Hunter (41).

	Our lives will never be the same without you!



	On the morning of August 23, 1984, my beloved father, Reverend Boykin Hunter, suddenly died of a massive heart attack. Ironically, the night before his death, while my sister Christola and I were on our way to church, she told me about some very disturbing dreams she had about daddy dying, and she was so upset that she actually cried all the way to church and throughout the remainder of the night! I kept reassuring her that Daddy was fine, and hopefully it was just the enemy trying to make her fearful, but she kept saying, “Pandra, God said it's going to happen!”So we agreed to pray that God would change his mind. We also agreed that we'd go the next morning and spend the day with our parents. Tragically we never got the chance! Early the following morning we received word that daddy was rushed by ambulance to the hospital, and he was unconscious at the time. I literally fell apart because I'd never heard the word “unconscious” and “daddy” in the same sentence before. Daddy was so vibrant, and just loved life so dearly. I knew it had to be critical. Unfortunately, by the time we rushed to the hospital it was too late; daddy was gone! Needless to say, our lives were totally shattered, for he was the backbone of our entire family! It was equally devastating for our church members also, because he was our Pastor and the Overseer of our Florida jurisdiction. I felt as though the whole world changed on that day! This was our immediate family's first experience with death, and it felt like nothing would ever be the same! That's exactly what happened, our lives were changed forever! Daddy we'll love you always, even into eternity!



	This is my beautiful, sweet, humorous and loving oldest sister, Jacquelyn Hunter - Kendrick. I will never forget the date April 7, 1993. While she and her husband were getting ready to come pick up my husband and I to spend the day out on the town, we suddenly received a life shattering call from my nephew Kendall, screaming that his mother fell in the yard, she couldn’t breathe, and 911 is on the way! By the time we rushed to the hospital it was too late. Jackie, my best friend, died from a massive heart attack at the age of 39! What was even more tragic is that she died two months before her sons, Kendall and Toby, graduated from high school. She was so ecstatic, and looking forward to seeing them finally march down the aisle and receive their diplomas. We were all completely devastated and shocked! It was just too unreal! Jackie we miss you with a passion, and we'll always love you! My sister forever.



	It was nine months before our son's death that we received extremely shocking news on August 20, 1999. My loving brother, Reverend Micheal Dean Hunter was accidentally struck and killed while attempting to change his tire on the side of a lonely Georgia road. It occurred on the morning while he was on his way home from work. It seemed so unbelievable because my sister and I had both just talked to him twice the day before! He was very excited because he was buying a car for our mother and was planning to bring it to her on the weekend. So he kept calling because he wanted to tell Mother the news himself. By the time mother arrived home late that evening, he had already gone to church, and then went to work immediately afterward. To our dismay, he never got to tell mother the news. Tragically we received the horrifying call early the following morning. Micheal pastored a church in Eastman, Georgia where he lived. He was a unique, high-spirited and lovable person. We miss you dearly Mike!



	I've heard the phrase that “time heals all wounds,” many times and I agree that it does. But when it involves grief, for me personally, I prefer to say that time heals the intensity of my wounds. For I believe that even if I live to be 150 years old, I'll always carry this heartache and have this void in my soul until I see my love ones again in Glory! I'm convinced that true love transcends time and enters into eternity. Furthermore, I also believe that one of the reasons God divinely gave each of us the gift of memory, is so that when our love ones die, they can still remain alive in our hearts, mind, and soul because of our precious memories. Therefore they'll always be a part of who we are. Nevertheless, I can truly say that time has healed the intensity of my pain. Finally, I've realized that I don't cry as much, so I am progressively getting better! I've also discovered that the more I reach out to help others in pain or comfort those that need comforting, the more God transforms my support into a healing agent for my own wounds. Through my pain, He has instilled a deep passion toward women who are hurting. When we're faced with heartaches and trials, God is forever present to sustain and strengthen our spirits. When we extend our love and support to someone else, we are allowing him to express His love and concern through us. I remember that during my earlier years of grief after Andre's death, I would go about my daily routine wondering if anyone could hear my silent screams. My grief was so intense, that there were many days that I could literally hear myself crying and screaming deep down in the belly of my soul. I could hear it clearly inside my inner ear, even during the times that I was talking and laughing on the outside. It can be difficult to explain, but it was very real. Lots of people gladly complimented me on how well I seemed to be doing and how good I looked. However, I desperately wanted someone, anyone that understood my pain enough, to acknowledge that they could hear my silent screams. I constantly asked God, why can't anyone hear me screaming? But I'm so grateful for this young sister at our church named, Faye Grice-McCombs, who's shoulder I stood on many times! She has been a solid source of genuine support since day one! Although there are others such as Lavonney Stoney, Katrina Jones, Akilah Styles, and Gail Banks, etc., but Faye has been exceptional! Each year she remembers and acknowledges Andre's and my birthdays, his death anniversary dates, accident dates, and even all the holidays. She even remembers his burial date! She randomly gives me the sweetest encouragement cards or sentimental gifts. It amazes me that they're always done with perfect timing, exactly when I need it the most! I told Faye that God is going to give her an extra reward for allowing Him to use her, to remind me that He remembers, even when others sometimes forget. To Faye, what she does seems so insignificant. But only God can take our insignificant deeds, and turn them into the most 'significant.' Whereas each time Faye reaches out to me, it feels like God did it himself! Surely to some it may seem so insignificant, but to me it's priceless! So ladies let's extend A hug, A shoulder or A listening ear to someone in need, and I can assure you that you will feel A blossoming of God's love within your own hearts! It's true, we do need each other to survive! Because we're all a part of God's family! To God be the Glory!

	Ladies, I stood on your shoulders many times!



	These are photos of my precious friend, Faye Grice-McCombs, and her beautiful sister, Kim Grice. She has been a solid source of genuine support since day one. God bless you Faye and Kim!



	This is my dear friend, Lavonney Stoney. I finally met someone that smiles more than I do. Since the day of the accident, she just adopted herself into the family. She is truly a tremendous blessing to all of us, especially me! I love you Stoney!



	These are my lovely friends, Gale Banks-Allen and Akilah Styles. They've both extended a strong shoulder on many occasions through my recovery. Thank you so much! I love you! Each time these women above reached out to me, it felt as though God did it Himself. So ladies let's extend a hug, a shoulder, or a listening ear to someone in need!


	We Grieve Differently



	W hen a loved one dies, it not only affects the immediate household, but the grief, pain, devastation, and despair penetrates throughout the entire family unit. Unfortunately we all have to make readjustments in order to endure living the remainder of our lives without our love ones. It's an extremely difficult transition and requires all the support we could possibly gain from each other. A lot of times a death in the family can actually strengthen the family's overall relationship. But sadly, it's amazing how many families allow constant bickering, and fighting mainly over material possessions, insurance money, and funeral arrangements, etc, to totally destroy family bonds forever. Personally I feel that there's nothing, and no one worth causing me to miss out on a relationship with my family members. For whatever I need, God will supply! We all need each other, our family and friends, to survive! I've heard many people say, “I wanted to visit so and so, but I didn't know what to say.” So they deliberately avoided the person. But the reality is that a lot of times your presence is much more important than what you do or don't say. Sometimes the less you say, the better. I'm a witness that it's so annoying when someone's very talkative, but saying all the wrong things. When you're in the height of grief, it's more important seeing a comforting face than hearing a multitude of words. Most times there are no sufficient words to say that will alleviate the pain. It almost seems like a tradition to allow the person in grief to be alone for a period of time immediately following the funeral. I'd encourage anyone that's especially close to that person, to please consult with the individual to see if that's what they really want. Because as I said before, everyone grieves differently, and although some people prefer to be alone, there are some that detrimentally needs that ongoing support. So if you have a really close relationship with the grieving person ask for their honest opinion, then try your utmost to accommodate to their wishes. Never, ever make them feel as though you're attempting to rush them through their recovery! Lovingly allow them to grieve at their own pace. Just because you may have been able to get over your grief in six months, doesn't mean that everyone else should be able to do the same; it's just that we all grieve differently. I had no idea that I was in a state of shock for at least one year or longer after Andre's death. It wasn't until I had progressed to my next stage of healing that I realized that I had very little recollection or details of what had transpired during the previous year. It was as though I routinely went about my daily activities, but I existed in a “fogged atmosphere.” What’s essentially important is whether the person is exhibiting positive progress! Be grateful to God that He enabled you to be an instrument to help one of his children reach a productive recovery. Since my family and I have experienced death on various occasions, we definitely can say we never would've made it without God, each other, and the loving support of our extended family and friends.

	DISTRACTED DRIVING With virtually every American owning a cellphone, Distracted Driving has become a threat on the nation’s roads. Everyone thinks they can use their cell phone and drive at the same time. But they can't. Studies say that drivers using cellphones are four times as likely to cause a crash as other drivers. Distracted Driving caused 5,500 deaths nationwide in 2009, according to U.S. Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood. There are three main types of driving distractions: (1) Visual - taking your eyes off the road; (2) Manual - taking your hands off the wheel; (3) Cognitive - taking your mind off what you're doing. There are many other forms of Distracted Driving: People love to eat in their cars. They can't resist fiddling with the CD player or the radio, chatting with passengers, patting their pets, shaving, or turning around to get after the kids in the back seat while hurtling down the interstate. Research shows that longer commutes are tempting time- starved Americans to invent ways to spread more tasks over the hours they must spend in their vehicles. Then throw in the fact many drivers apparently don't care that they might be annoying, or even alarming other drivers by applying mascara, drinking hot coffee, reading a novel, or selecting station WMBM, all at the same time. More than 80% of drivers surveyed identified themselves as multitaskers. Sixty-eight percent eat while driving; 19% are texting or instant messaging, or fixing hair while driving; 14% comfort or discipline their children while behind the wheel; and 8% drive with a pet in their laps. And statistics show that accidents are more likely to occur when there are other passengers in the car with a Distracted Driver. The kids are actually showing off with their friends. while they're drinking, partying, talking on cell phones and texting, etc. Consequently, they find themselves speeding and weaving in and out of traffic, and as a result, they're just not paying attention, but endangering the lives of themselves and everyone around them. They really feel that they're invincible at the time. The Responsibility Project for the Teen Driving Survey, stated that about a third of teens responded that they are often passengers in a car where another teen driver is text messaging, changing songs on an iPod, speeding or driving with more than three teen passengers in the car. For the most part, teens responded that they rarely, if ever, drive under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The majority, 84%, reported that they would ask a driver to refrain from driving after drinking alcohol; about three quarters would ask friends who had used marijuana or prescription drugs, not to drive. And in turn, nine out of ten teen drivers said they would likely refrain from most of these behaviors if they were asked to stop by a passenger. The survey also revealed that teens aren't quite as outspoken about things they don't consider as distracting as alcohol and drug use. Only about half of teens said they speak up and ask a driver to stop racing other cars, texting or using a cell phone to access the internet while driving; only 18% of teens are likely to ask a driver to stop talking on a cell phone. About a third of the students regarded activities like updating their Facebook page or texting while driving to be distracting. Not surprisingly, girls are more likely than their male counterparts to ask a driver to stop engaging in behavior that could distract them. We ALL should ask ourselves this question; Are we willing to risk killing someone or ourselves because of Distracted Driving? But sadly, car crashes are the number one killer of teens in the United States, which tragically, instantaneously changes countless lives forever. We ALL should ALWAYS remember that every time we get behind the wheels of our cars, millions of LIVES depend on us ALL being extremely careful. So please DRIVE SAFELY.





	In this touching photo are Deshawn's beautiful daughter, DeAja, and her mom putting fresh flowers on his grave. Unfortunately, all our lives have drastically changed forever!



	This is me and Nicole tying balloons onto Andre's grave bench for his 1st year anniversary. Only God knows exactly how we all feel. There are no words that can accurately describe it!

	We love you, forever!